That Darn Transsexual!
by Depraved Sociopath
Summary: Ranma's stuck as a girl. Again. I know, I know, you don't have to tell me it's been done before. I killed off his parents, though. Seen that before? Didn't think so. So give it a read, maybe tell me what ya think. ABANDONED FOREVER


I'm not sure, either

I'm not sure, either. Just tell me what you think, really. That's all I ever ask.

*******

I leapt out of the water, yelping in surprise. As I hit the ground, I lost my balance and fell.

That just doesn't happen to a martial artist.

That Darn Transsexual!

By: A Depraved Sociopath With Psychotic Tendencies

Of course, as I hit the ground face-first, I felt padding where there hadn't been padding before.

Breasts.

I yelped, on my feet and racing back to the pool instantaneously. Checking my reflection, I said the first thing that came to my mind. "Shit."

Having expressed my thoughts, I sat down next to the pool of water and contemplated my situation. One minute, I was the best martial artist around, male, and training; the next moment I was a woman.

"Shit."

I sensed a presence approaching me from behind as I was loudly expounding on the poor quality of God's mother, stopping mid-sentence to spin around. I almost fell down again, as I was not yet used to the balance in my new body.

A short, plump man stood behind me with a small girl by his side.

"Plum?" the man asked, looking directly at me.

"No, thanks." I waved the offer off. "Not hungry."

"No, ah, that not what I mean," said the little guy nervously. "My daughter." He pointed to the girl by his side. "She Plum."

I was a bit confused by this. "No offense, sir, but your daughter is a human girl, not a plum."

The man blinked, paused for a minute, then repeated himself. "She Plum," he gestured again at the small girl.

"Look," I said as I crossed my arms, "a plum is a small, violet piece of fruit. Your daughter is not a plum." He started to say something, but I would have none of his heresy. Cutting off the vile heathen before he could pollute the young one with his evil words, I positively screamed "NO! She's not! You may see her as a plum, or she may be no smarter than a plum, but in neither case is your daughter a plum!"

"Yes, but-"

"BUT NOTHING!" I roared, leaping in the man's face. "She is a beautiful little girl! She can be whatever she wants to be! She could be an ambassador to America! She could even be the President of America!"

"Actually…" the little girl said just loud enough for me to hear.

An enormously cheezy and frightening smile on my face, I put it about .059 centimeters distant from the girl's.

"Yes, dear?"

"To be President in America, you have to have been born there. I was born in China."

My face dropped.

I picked it up from where it laid at the girl's feet and put it back on my head. "It's the principle of the situation," I stated matter-of-factly after I had firmly attached my face to the front of my brain case.

Sweating profusely, the little man started speaking again. "Anyway, you fall in spring of drowned eccentric psycho hose-beast girl. You take on form of eccentric psycho hose-beast girl who drown there two thousand year ago."

"Okay," I said, "how do I change back?"

"You can not. You stuck this way forever. Oh! Look at sun! I need go now! Bye!" The man grabbed his daughter and ran away, apparently afraid of me, for some reason.

I put down the sword I had been menacingly threatening the man with and started towards my pack. When I reached it, I took out my diary and began an entry. 'September 24, 1999. Fell in water at place called Jusenkyo. I'm a girl now. Perverted thoughts will be hard to control, but I anticipate no failure in doing so. Other feelings: apathy, confusion, hunger. I think I'll go get some lunch.'

Having finished my thought-jotting, I started off towards some distant restaurant, with a craving for some foodstuffs.

********

I entered a town, people all around, a girl on the ground getting beat down. I shrugged and moved on, with a stretch and a yawn, and two knights and a pawn in front of my lawn.

A creature approached, perched on a stick. I asked, "What's your name?" and it answered "Slick Rick." 

"Why, hello, there, Slick Rick," I said with a smile, "I'm sorry, I'm lost. Could I stay a while?" 

"Of course, child," it said, showing twelve rows of teeth. "Would you like some salami? Some Spam? Roast beast?"

I accepted the gift with a bow and a smile. Not knowing, that is, that she, all the while, was boiling some water, and spicing it up. She intended to eat me, that dried up old fupp.

My Garglemazoo was at Bluffblunder Falls. My dad, he had died, eating poisoned meatballs. 

My mom, she was home, eating green eggs and ham. The woman wanted to eat me for dinner. Goddamn. 

She leapt at my back, and I hit her left nose. Then her knife, it sailed wide, but ripped a hole in my clothes. 

I ran from her hut, running far and quite fast. She caught me, that bag, and she stabbed me at last. 

I tasted blood in my mouth, and saw stars in my eyes. She ate me right up, with a side of French fries.

**********

I bolted upright in my tent, gasping for breath. Terrified, I grabbed my head where the old woman in the dream had stabbed me, felt solid skin, hair and trace elements, then lay back on my sleeping mat relieved. 

I thought about my dream for a second, wondering at the significance of the rhyming. I pondered over that for a few seconds, deciding that it annoyed the hell out of me. I started talking to myself, for some reason or another, saying, "I hate dreams like that. They make me quite mad. I SLEEP on my mat, not have dreams that are bad!"

For about two seconds, nothing happened. Then I hit myself in the face. "Asshole! Stop rhyming!"

*************

The next night the ghost of my dad visited me. I wasn't too surprised, because mom gets mad at him a lot, and she kicks him out of heaven temporarily. Anyway, I didn't feel too comfy just sleeping next to a ghost, so I talked to him for a while. The conversation was pleasant, and I was enjoying myself, until my father let something slip out. I had just mentioned Ukyo, and he started laughing. "Yeah," he said, "I remember her."

"Her?" I said, confused. "Wasn't Ukyo a guy?"

My father's ghost swore. "Damnit. No, Ukyo was a girl. I never did tell you about that, did I?" he said more to himself than to me.

"No, you didn't, pop," I said, annoyed. "Why didn't you tell me about that?"

"Well, I didn't want you to find out about the engagement." My father's ghost winced at letting that slip. "Shit."

Well, THAT woke me up well enough. "WHAT?!? Engagement? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nothing. You're hearing things. Go to sleep." 

I grabbed my dad's ghost by his spectral shirt and looked straight into what used to be his eyes. "No, I'm not 'just hearing things.' What engagement do you mean?"

My pop just stared at me for a minute before sighing and speaking slowly. "Okay, well, Ukyo was a girl. That's the first part."

"We've established that already, old man," I growled.

"Well, I was talking to Ukyo's father one day, and he mentioned that Ukyo really liked you. A lot, I mean. He mentioned that you, Ranma, were a fine young man that he'd like to see as Ukyo's husband. I declined, because you were already engaged, of course, but he insisted, and even offered to give his okonomiyaki cart as a dowry. I accepted." I glared at my dad. "I WAS HUNGRY!!!" he whined pathetically.

Something hit me about what he had just said. "Hold on. What do you mean I was already engaged?"

Genma shriveled. "Oh, look at the time. Gotta go!"

Before I could do anything, he disappeared. 

"Damn."

**************

So, the next day, I went home. I needed to find out what was with this whole engagement thing. 

Nerima wasn't all that different from how I remembered it, really. The buildings, the people, the clouds, the horribly large monster fighting Godzilla with the city of Tokyo acting as a backdrop; nothing much had changed.

I absently dodged a piece of debris as I made my way back to my home. I wanted to see my mom after so long a time, bur moreover, I wanted – no, needed – to find out just what in the hell pop was talking about when he said that I was already engaged. Unfortunately, I had no idea where to start looking. No idea whatsoever. 

That total and complete lack of information lasted me for a good week before I realized that I could just ask my dad. "Hey, Dad!" I screamed, drawing confused and frightened looks from the people around me. It's not everyday that you see someone in the middle of the market yelling into the sky for his father. 

He must have forgotten about our little discussion the week before, because he appeared in short order. "What's up, Ranma?"

Before he could do anything, I slapped some Shinto wards on him and smiled cruelly. "Now you can't run."

"Huh?" my Dad asked, confused. "Why would I want to run?"

"Dad, when you said I was engaged before Ukyo, what did you mean?"

A look of fearful comprehension came over my father's pseudo-face. "Oh. THAT'S why I'd want to run." I nodded and smiled evilly, rubbing my hands together in a most evil manner. "Well, I guess I'd better tell you, then. I engaged you to one of my friend's daughters. It was a long time ago, before either of you were born, but the engagement is still valid, so I expect you to honor your family and fulfill it." I frowned at this, but kept my mouth shut. "My friend's name was Soun Tendo. He lives in Nerima, if I remember correctly, so you should probably seek him out. You need a place to stay."

"No I don't!" I cried indignantly. "I can live outside for however long I need to!"

"True," said Genma's specter, "but you're beginning to smell rather badly."

I looked at myself, then noticed the maggots that were crawling all over what was left of my shirt. My skin appeared to be cracking, but when I rubbed at it, I found out that it was only a layer of dirt that was cracking; my skin was fine. "Okay, so I could use a bath. Is that a crime?"

I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I looked to see who it was, I was surprised to see a policeman, who was holding his nose closed against my foul odor. "Actually…" 

*************

After I had been sandblasted clean and my clothes had been burned, I dressed in some extra clothes I had in my pack and talked with the policeman who had arrested me. It was a nice conversation, really. It turned out that he liked gardening. I gave him a few tips on how to fertilize and water without spending too much money, and he gave me a couple of tips on not getting arrested in Tokyo. It was a mutually beneficial conversation.

After a while, though, he asked me where I was staying. "Well, I'm not really staying anywhere, per se, but I was looking for a Mr. Soun Tendo. I think I might be staying with him for a while," I responded after a moment's hesitation. 

"Okay, then, let's call him." The policeman looked in the phone book for a second, then dialed a number. After a couple of seconds, he started speaking. "Hello, is this the Tendo residence? Ah, good. This is officer Nakamura. I…no, no, there's nothing wrong, sir. It's just that I found someone who claims to be looking for you. …Hmm? It's a young boy, about sixteen years old. …No, he doesn't claim to be related to you. …No, no he's not. …What? What kind of question is that? Just listen…Yes. Yes. NO! Okay! Just listen! His name is Ranma Saotome, and he claims to be looking for you. That's all I know! …Hello? Hello? Are you there?" The police officer hung up, then turned to me. "That was strange…" At that moment, a middle aged man burst through the door and wrapped his arms around my neck.

"Oh, Ranma! How I've waited for this day!"

My oxygen supply ran out at about that time, and I passed out blissfully.


End file.
